What goes up must eventually comes down. Just like the law of gravity, the journey of life and love is one that isn’t flat line. I know that. However that doesn’t stop me from attempting to control anything and everything in order to feel safe.
Which is a complete joke that I have a tendency to repeat every once in awhile. Self-sabotage at it’s finest.
So recently I turned yet another year older (alright not so recently now haha) and this year I took quite a bit of time to review and reflect. One could say I was sick to death of repeating history. Made some decisions after taking time to sit with my thoughts; being honest with myself.
The very moment I made a decision to let go (literally and figuratively), everything feels so light and freeing.
Everything just clicked – think of it as this absolute clarity that I am where I am, because of me and I can change anything. I just need to.
Now that’s not saying I feel nothing from the decisions made. I do.
Some say I have made everything too logical, some say it seems as though I’m happier. Honestly? This time round, I don’t really care. Cause it doesn’t matter.
Whilst this comes off obnoxious, cold and unfeeling … to delve deeper into it? Over the years (and especially in my last relationship), I faced my demon of the fear of being judged headfirst especially during the rockier bits of the relationship.
And I learnt there is a stark difference between dwelling in misery and being aware on the path to healing things come up that sometimes result in my feeling old patterns and emotions I am working on.
Previously I had a tendency to wallow and/or evade my feelings. Neither was a healthy state to be in.
Now I am learning and currently honoring what I feel as I feel them. Not feeding nor downplaying them. And I’ve came to realise that these feelings come and go faster than before.
A part of me questions why I didn’t do that right from the start. And at the same time I can’t help but recognise somewhere within me, I already knew what I had to do. I wasn’t ready to put in the work and gave myself a ton of excuses.
True I could tag a title to it and place some meaning. The simple fact was I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t willing. The reason matters not.
I no longer force myself to be happy or to suppress my feelings. I’m getting more and more comfortable with sitting with my thoughts, feeling my feelings and letting go. I’m tired of wondering and pep-talking myself with “imagine a life if you just do it”.
I’m doing it because I can. Because living is a gift I’ve taken for granted for too long. Cause I never know when my last breath might be and because there already is so much going for me.
Hell it feels way more scary than living on the sidelines. Then again, I guess that’s the beauty of living full out. The journey to FitHappyRich has been an ongoing one, that’s a given. And yet, it feels like it just truly begun.
I’m thankful for yet another day being able to breathe, stay conscious, to have choice.
