“Baby, what do you love about me?”
It was a question he asked me on several occasions and one I had no answer for. It was a question I weighed upon and came to no conclusion save for – “I love you because you are enough.”
When asked to elaborate? I could only add in “because of who you are”.
I’ve always been on a search for the next greatest high. From love to the adrenaline rush of the lil’ moments. Through it all? I kept wondering what is on the other side. That there will probably be more out there that I have yet to seen, yet to feel, yet to understand.
I was driven by lust. A burning hunger for life and my then perception and idea of love. I wasn’t mature nor wise enough to know or to have foresight to know what I could have had or to appreciate that when the fire cools and the high settles? That I already am.
Chasing after gilded butterflies, chasing after the next grand high. I was so close. Always seemingly so close and yet so far. It always seemed close to perfect only to turn out absolutely not. It wasn’t wrong but neither was it right. Well, we weren’t right. Wasn’t about not being right for each other but that we had not grown to be the best we could be which in turn resulted in our inability to find another who is at his or her best.
We were lacking. We weren’t ready and so failed to see who we could be or who we already have became.
And through these heartbreaks? I realized .. there is only one difference in who I love right now to who I loved before.
It wasn’t about physical looks neither was it about beliefs, family background or having chemistry. I wanted a man. A man and not a boy. A genuine man who is acutely aware of the vast amount of knowlege he has yet to grasp. Who is conscious and willing to set his beliefs aside and to consider the viewpoint from the other side.
We grapple on the constant with thinking our beliefs are right. But more oft than not? We are wrong. Most of our beliefs stem upon views and theories based upon past experiences both the happy memories and the hurting struggles. They are built upon thoughts; some of which we might not even fully understand and yet broadcast as truths.
Being with someone is completely different from running solo. With differing outlooks to life, disagreements occur, emotions run high and sometimes more often than not? Words best left unsaid are said.
I want a man who comprehends that our beliefs do not form conclusion to our lives. That there is so much more out there that extends beyond who we think we are. I want a man who seeks and cultivates wisdom.
Because when you find a man who seeks to BE? Who strives to be a better him .. You have found someone who understands that it is not about him. That life is in varying shades of grey and comprehension that by setting aside the trivial matters enables us to build a relationship meant to last and not set it to chance.
And as I mused .. I realized …
I love him.
For the times before he met me. When he held another girl’s hand and loved her with everything he knew then. When he kissed her forehead and looked at her as his world. For the times he shattered in the dead silence unbeknownst to many. For the times he squared his shoulders and forged on despite his fears and pain. For the times he was playful and wanted to explore and learn more about love and what it meant to him. For the times he dated other girls. For the times he was uncertain and didn’t know what he wanted.
For the times I knew him as a friend. When he was uncertain of himself and of what he can be or do. When he picked himself up after each fall. When he pushed on in silence. When he drank night after night in heartbreak. When he acted like it was all okay when he was confused and hurt.
For the times I knew him as my man. When he pulled back in moments of uncertainty. When he grabbed my hand. When he pulled me back to hold me when I pulled back during our disagreements. When he walked off in silence and frustration. When he looked me in the eye and told me I didn’t trust him.. When he stood by my side in silence when he didn’t know what to do. When he told me needed time alone and I cut a long queue and grabbed the first cab I saw just to get away before I cried. When he offered me his world when mine shattered inside. When he wiped my tears as I broke apart. When he did his best to listen as I ranted in frustration or in hurt. When he accepted and love me despite my quickness to flare and being snarky on the constant. When despite his inability to get why I feel or do what I do, he was there in silence.
I love you because of who you are.
Because of all that you have been, all that you are and all that you can be. Because in you I see myself. I see the lessons I have learnt, am learning and can learn. The blessings I had, I have and will have. The boy you have been, the man you grew to be and the man you will be. And I love you.
And what dawned on me? When I realized I already am. I recognized love and saw it in you. Because you? Are enough.
The day I recognize love was the day I saw you for you.
