It comes like the waves hits the shore. One by one, sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes these memories comes to me in the middle of the day. Sometimes, it sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I see you in the blue skies as I remember looking up at it with your hand in mine as we strolled the sands of Male collecting seashells. I see you in the dark emptiness that haunts my soul as I walk the thin line between wild and good. I see you in my writings as I pen my emotions, my thoughts and unsaid desires. I see you as I stroll down the aisles buying my groceries. I see us as we laughed and walked and tossed our daily necessities into the cart. I see you in the crowded streets. Of places we’ve been and the ones we haven’t. I see the ghost of you and it haunts me on the constant. I see you on planes and I see you as I lounge by the airports. And every once in awhile, my heart stops and I feel raw.
And with every sighting of you a question screams in my head. Like a never-ending alarm that never switches off it keeps ringing. Why. Why wasn’t it enough? Why couldn’t you see what we had? Why.
I know that it’s just merely emotions talking. I know that it’s all changed. I know that it’s better this way. I know I made the right decision. But why wasn’t there a we? Why wasn’t there an “us” before you made the choices you made? I hate myself for crumbling. I hate myself for not being strong enough to laugh it off and say “hey, it’s his loss.” Maybe because I know that it isn’t about losses. It’s simply a sad case of could have been.
All I truly want right now is to move on and be okay. I am okay. More than alright. I still love you. And it still hurts every once in awhile. I still see you in my dreams. I still hear your voice. And the funny thing is? It’s not about wanting you back. I guess I just feel sad. That in some sense; despite doing my best not to put you on a pedestal? I did. I love you for who you are and for who you were to me. And I still do. I thought you felt the same. I thought you saw me for me just as I did for you. And it crushes me inside. It kills me to still love you and I wish with my everything I didn’t. I hate how everything I see and feel links back to you. It’s as though this invisible string that holds me to you just never got snapped and all I can do is move on the best I can. Some days I wonder how are you. And I wish I could say I don’t care. But fact is? I do.
I loved you then. And I still love you now. And I wish I didn’t. Not anymore. I wish I could just not feel for you anymore. Not care what was going on in your life. Not remember us or the memories we shared. I wish I could just stop seeing you everywhere. I miss you. And I just wish I no longer did.
